I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
