The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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