Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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