Will you blow on my dice?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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