Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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