Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
