don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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