The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
