don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
