I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
