Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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