dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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