dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
