i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
