were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
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