The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
