I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
