so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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