i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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