Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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