i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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