I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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