my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I bet he comes in French.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
