cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
