I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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