if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
