you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
