I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
