I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
