did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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