My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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