I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
