Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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