Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
