oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
