imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
