my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
