Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
