so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
