Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
