I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
