There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
