The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
