He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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