Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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