You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I can't turn off my feet"
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
