I'm lost and stupid without you.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
