I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
