You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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