My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
