Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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