Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
