"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
