i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My vagina is very pro this idea
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
