We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just found puke in my bra..
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Randomize
