I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
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